I’ll Occupy That

by Natalie

The Occupy Wall Street people had a great concept – they just went about it all wrong. With a slight twist on their execution, I should have a job offer within the next few months. The Occupy people did not like Wall Street, so it seems a little paradoxical to me that Wall Street is where they decided to spend all of their time. I plan to occupy a place I want to be. Such as Hawaii. I think I could really get a great movement going. All interested parties can join me at occupyhawaii.net, where we will be raising money for our flights to the Aloha State. Once there, I tend to occupy the resorts and beaches.

In the meantine, I have come up with a few alternatives, such as Occupy Time, or Occupy CNN,  both places where I could invision working. My plan is very simple, really. Decked out in business attire, I shall roam the halls of these corporations. I’ll start off small, offering to make coffee runs. Those high powered execs need their mojo, and I will be more than happy to be the one who gets the joe. As previous internship experience has taught me, coffee runs will inevitably lead to futher opportunities, such as the chance to work the fax machine, something I have right under “studying Arabic,” on my resume. It’s a well kept secret that stubborn fax machines respond favorably when spoken to in Arabic.

I’ll be on call 24/7, since I’m occupying the place. I’ll introduce myself to anyone who walks by, and soon we’ll all know each other by name. I will have to assign myself a boss, but make sure he works on a separate floor, that way I can say, “Oh, I work for Bob in Human Resources. We recently received complaints that our personnel feel sluggish in the afternoon. I’m here to do the  Starbucks run.” Instead of complaining about corporate culture, I’ll help increase productivity. The Occupy Wall Street people have the wrong target audience. Most are farmers or yoga instructors. Forget Wall Street. Occupy Iowa and Occupy India are where it’s at for that lot.