From Me to You, Young Men
I volunteer with a high school youth group, which is one of the highlights of my week. Last night, however, we decided to have a guys / girls breakout session. Which meant that the male volunteers were going to talk to the girls, and the female volunteers were going to talk to the guys. Some talking points might have been nice, but instead our youth leader threw us to the wolves, assuming that twenty or so high school boys would have loads to talk about with five women in their twenties. So while the girls session with the male volunteers practically ended in tears, in our session you could hear the crickets. What do high school boys want to know about girls? If I knew, I would have utilized that information a long time ago.
I started by telling them that men and women are different (go me), and ended the session by suggesting they take showers. I was getting desperate. Here’s how it happened:
The first question I was asked was if I could slow down my speech. The second time someone raised his hand, it was to suggest the group put duct tape over my mouth. Said individual suffers from Aspergers, so I decided to not take the comment offensively.
I tried explaining that boys’ brains are like waffles, where everything is compartmentalized and information drips down, while girls’ brains are like spaghetti, and everything gets tangled up. This is not my own theory. I might have insulted them by the repeated reminder that they are “simple.” I defended this theory by likening them to orangutans who sit on the couch, eat, fart, and grunt. The justification for this comes from having watched my brother sit on the couch, eat, fart, and grunt.
We were asked to describe our ideal first date. We suggested that if they like a girl they do more than just text, “hey.” We volunteered that women are crazy and emotional and oftentimes we don’t even know what we want. We may have done more harm than good. We told them that if a girl says she is fine, it’s a lie. The real highlight of the evening came when we said women need their girlfriends, which I decided to sum up ever so nicely by stating, “Chick before dicks.” I work with teenagers in a church setting, ladies and gentlemen!
In a last-ditch effort to depart something meaningful, I told them that what they say does affect girls, and to realize that women are more than just their bodies. I then had the brilliant idea to ask them to raise their hand if they shower everyday. Some do, some don’t. One adorable freshman informed me that he had showered “yesterday.”
So then we ended the session with the best advice they received all evening: using Axe body spray does not count as taking a shower.
Go forth and multiply, young men.